Orient Express

Friday, April 10, 2015
Parents and Babies at 8:00 AM

So many people are about to have babies everywhere around me. It's really cute, all the growing bellies and also the growing excitement. I think I have a sort of envy which also manifests itself into appreciation for the people I know to have that joy in their lives. I feel, what I think, is happiness for them, when I think about how it must feel to have a part of them and another growing healthy and forming into a real human being inside them, calling them their baby and awaiting the day they finally meet face to face. It's so special it brings tears to my eyes because it is all happening so close to me.

All the pregnancy clothes, special diets, shopping for cots and cradles and strollers, and a lot of other things I have never even heard of. The gender, the names, the baby showers, fawning and fussing dads and everyone joining in on the excitement. I'm actually crying now.

I'm going to my very first baby shower tomorrow - I was browsing through the jewelry store, thinking about what to buy for the bub. A tiny gold heart shaped locket caught my eye, and in the middle was a speck of diamond and engraved around it saying "my first diamond." It was so special and cute, and a tad bit expensive for just me to buy but I just had to because it would be something so pretty that I would want as a gift for my baby if I ever had one.

I don't see myself ever sharing that kind of love with another man enough to decide to create and share another life with that person. I've really lost a lot of hope or expectation in love and relationships, which is what happens I guess when people get a certain level of experience and become that cynical. It would take something amazing and resilient for it to be proved otherwise, and I guess there is always that slightest of chance that it would be shown to me, but my heart has grown so cold and full of doubt and I really can't picture ever having a nice loving loyal family of my own. I hate all the betrayal, lies, fucking selfishness and ego that humans have inside their hearts, it is one of the most ugliest things in the world that people have to live with. I don't think I'm strong, just too fragile and was made to become this object that believes that the right thing to do is to not feel love. Somebody save me? I want that special something that lasts forever too.


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