Orient Express

Sunday, January 11, 2015
The end, but another week to go. at 2:34 AM

64 hours. I've worked 64 hours trying to please and help people this week and fixing mistakes as well as trying to stay out of trouble. I need to start taking care of myself. Yesterday I started getting overly anxious and felt like my heart was about to lunge out of my chest, and broke down into tears.So after work I drove down to my love for a touch of reality. It's amazing how instantly calm it gets and how easier things feel with him.

I don't want to become dependent though. I try to not use my calmatives as much as possible because it can cause dependency, but are humans like a drug? What kinds of love is similar to drugs? Is it unhealthy? I try to not overdo it and act in moderation, which I think I am managing well at the moment. I guess it's okay just on the odd occasion when you have a really bad day and feeling like you're on the edge of breaking down to have the dose of the calmative, whether it be love or drugs.

It hurts to think of a life without him, but then I look back on the times when I have previously been betrayed or heartbroken or things ended up in the shitter and there was nothing I could do to mend anything and how broken I was. I've made it through all those times and history is at least a bit of substantial proof that I can withstand strong tidal waves of destructive emotional forces. I'm only in my mid 20's and I believe when I am not depressed and anxious, I have the ability to be charming, likable, trustworthy and dependable so if I ever do end up heartbroken I guess I know I still have a chance of finding happiness again, even if it wouldn't ever be the same. I work hard and I make a lot of effort and I don't hold grudges or act with revenge or spite, I love to love and I love to give to the ones special and really close to my heart, so surely I will receive what I deserve.

I've submitted my letter of resignation to one of my jobs which will ease the stress and create more of a work-life balance for me. The regular savings is good, and I may as well go back to those hours again but at the moment I definitely need a break for a while. I might even have time to go to the gym again or even TAKE UP A HOBBY. I've always wanted to join a shooting club at the ranges. My love will be 4 hours away later in the year too for 10-12 weeks or so, so I want to have weekends off to visit him as well and maintain a healthy contact.

At the moment, I think I am doing all the right things that is in my power to do. Another positive thing about my love is that he doesn't smother me, but I know he is there and I wasn't sure before, but by now I realise that even though he isn't overly vocal or a typical playboy sweet talker, I do understand more the kinds of things he does to show how he feels about me, and I have started to believe it and be less anxious and unsure about it. It and he also has helped me feel loved but at the same time be able to cope as an independent person in a relationship, and taught me what it really means to choose to be with someone and depend on them when required, and not needing to be with them.

Anxiety, breakdowns and tears have become just an accepted part of my life, but I have medications and positive thinking strategies to cope and not hang myself or poison myself over. I will most likely relapse into depression again at some point of my life, but I think I will live.


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