Orient Express







Monday, January 19, 2015
Palpitations at 6:17 AM

& Insomnia.

I need to sleep.

Was watching Love Child and it's really good but really sad. Made me more depressed.

I need to have healthy sleep patterns if I want to live semi decently.

I'm losing weight but not in a healthy way. I have lost my appetite and when I am alone I have no motivation to eat because it's only just me and only just my mouth to feed.

I feel like my thought patterns are swinging up and down a lot more frequently lately and I am getting worried that I might be delving deeper into mental illness. It may not even be depression or anxiety, mental illness and the condition of the mind is too unique, personal and labile. It is simply a sickness of my thoughts, a chronic disease. I believe my problems started happening when I was about 15, so that makes it 9 years going onto 10 now. I'm thankful I have never needed to be admitted to a hospital, but I feel like I really need to take care of myself at the moment to keep myself out. I feel like I could lose touch with reality any day at any moment now, and I am scared.

I feel anxiety going to sleep and wondering how I will wake up and how I will feel tomorrow. I feel anxiety whether or not I will struggle and relapse forever until the day I do actually die. Humans cannot live this way, but I am seeing a doctor on wednesday to organise some cognitive behavioural therapy because I don't think medications alone will get me back to baseline.

I'm quite scared.  How will I be tomorrow, next week, next month, in 3 months time? Will I feel alive again? I am craving so hard the sensation of having drive and wanting to exist. I want to be who I vaguely remember being - silly, happy, imaginative and eager. It seems like a distant question mark, whether I was ever really that kind of person. I start to wonder whether that or this is the real me.

I'm getting more anxious as the clock ticks. I will probably need a diazepam tonight. I need to breathe. I need to stay away from the scary morphing pool of darkness that keeps pulling me. I'm mentally clinging onto rough surfaces to stay out of it and pull myself from its gravitational energy. Am I already losing my mind? I'm really scared.



Comments:
its hard to find motivation to eat when you're down and don't feel like moving a bone in your body. should still try to get something into you or you won't have any energy at all.

try and pull yourself together, anxiety and everything if you can't control you'll just make worse. i hope your doctor can help with something... the real you isn't always some depressed person or it's not someone who's always happy its both. you're made up of both and you should have someone who accepts both of those facts about you.

whats diazepam? keep mentally strong and eat something!!
 
Diazepam is a calmative but can cause dependency so it isnt really for long term use. Im crossing over to numbness past the tears. This is bad cuz thats when i start to mindlessly harm myself constantly
 

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