Orient Express

Tuesday, January 6, 2015
anxiety at 2:35 AM

I feel anxious half the time.
I have little notes all around me to remind myself of the positive perspectives to take in my life, the life where at the moment it is starting to feel extremely endless and repetitive and like it will not ever reach any goal i was set out to make. I dont want to be spoilt, but i DO want to find a way to feel like life is something i am able to cope reasonably well with and not feel anxious for no reason. Every time i feel uncertain or like i am in a deep hole, i try to remind myself of all the positives at this very moment. I have a job and even though i work more than i need and hate periods of times of work, i get steady savings. I am living in a rural city with no friends or a life outside of work but i still have friends i can go back to 3.5 hours away and a special man i love 2hours away who i have many possibilities which extend to the outer limits. I always have the possibility of getting a better job somewhere else, and although i would have a bigger debt, i can continue to learn and feel better about myself for being more knowledgeable via post graduate learning. Instead of being anxious, i need to change my mindset and feel optimistic about the endless possibilities of my uncertain future. I am trying to train my brain this way. Sometimes i wonder though, when are the times i need help to do this??

Ive joined an online lonely people community (i dont think anyone on it are any people similar to myself) but i might learn something.

My current goal: struggle through the next 3 months until i move to the greener side of the grass. I want to be closer to love and to something they call "life". I want to be able to enjoy it. I will do everything and not give up, i will not end this life before i try everything.

i think the fact that you have somebody who loves you and somebody that you can love is a positive thing in itself. when you have somebody who you can love wholeheartedly even when things are at your worst it can give you strength. i wish i had somebody like that who could put in effort for me and sacrifice for me without thinking of themselves first, it's really hard to find somebody who can love you like that. love is really weird right? i've dated a few people but the only person i can say i loved is the first but even then i don't know.

do you get this too? i always question myself when it comes to love. if he loved me more would he have stayed by my side? would he never let me go? would he move in with me? would he have given himself for me? do i even want that? theres so many questions it really hurts when you think of things like that but the fact that you can confidently say you have a special man with endless possibilities is so special... honestly im jealous.

making money and continuing to learn, accumulating savings and stuff is just part of life but finding someone or something special is what life is really about. some people find that something special in another person and others find it in other activities like their work but really... endure it. you seem better than your previous posts.

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