Orient Express







Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Anxiety 2.0 at 2:36 AM

It hit me again this morning. I'm not sure if it's the new medication, but it is definitely hitting me. I am trying to stay away from the calmatives as much as possible but I had to have at least half this morning. I might take half a tablet regularly until I am stable on this new drug and then quarter it and then try stop it. It's crazy, I didn't get these effects with the first type of medications years ago. My appetite is gone too, anything I put in my mouth I don't feel like eating and I have to stop. I wandered around the shops after work tonight and just picked up anything I could imagine keeping down.

I'm not sure how I became such a mess...I hate relapsing.

I hate how I need medication to function in everyday life, and I hate how medication which I NEED(?) gives me side effects and makes my life miserable in different ways. I hate underperforming, and I hate having no drive. I need the drive and I need goals, I need accomplishments and I need passion. Without those things, there is no point of life and me living.

What am I on this earth for, besides striving to find meaning to be alive or striving to ignore the urge to die?

I hate waking up anxious. Why do I need to go through with this again? This time, it is all alone because I am an independent woman who doesn't have the luxury or coddling mothers or lovers. If I can't make it alone, I do not deserve to be alive nor do I want to.



Comments:
all life is made up of is ups and downs. to be honest, i dont know whether im reading your stuff to help you or help myself. a bit of both maybe. as sadistic as it may be, it reassures me that im only human knowing that the feelings that i feel aren't completely unique and other people other than myself feel similar things. i know i'm not unique, i was never unique and nothing special but it still reassures me to know, you know what i mean? maybe not maybe i'm just slowly drawing myself deeper jenny but sometimes you can't break habits.
 
im glad that expressing myself is helping someone. I think everyone is unique but everyone will always suffer from some degree of loneliness. Human suffering is common and not unique, but individuals are.

I need to go to work but I am feeling anxious as hell. I took half a valium preemptively because I know I will be anxious and teary and feel like killing myself all morning if I try stay away. I need to book into the doctors soon and try see if i should persist or just go back to my old medications.

I might need to reevaluate some things too.
 
physically i dont feel like people can help me because peoples words and actions never align. they will tell me one thing but their actions do the complete opposite thats why i stick to the internet now because its easier to see words and believe in them. everytime i try to put my faith or rely on someone they turn around and punch me in the face... my loneliness turned into nothingness really.

i know saying things like theres no reason to feel anxious when you yourself said everything in your life was going well and theres nothing to really worry about because everythings going steady but hopefully that valium helped you calm down a little. cheer up jenny (:
 
Thanks for the encouragement. I agree, if you find someone who you click with and u trust, you should never let them go. Unfortunately i have yet to find that person who i can travel to death with, and sometimes i wonder if it is karma. Maybe i am experiencing at the moment the kinds of confusion and pain i inflicted on others, even if it wasnt intentional. Maybe after this suffering, i will find luck and happiness and learn to never let go someone who will never let me go.
 
i had someone once upon a time. thought i clicked with them perfectly, even when we fought it somehow made me feel stronger about them and as i spent more time with them i trusted them completely but then i got kicked away and stomped on like a cockroach... karma doesn't exist, your own actions and thought lead to what happens to you. theres no such thing as someone who will never let you go, i used to believe in that fairytale shit... its nice to hope but in the end its just a dream i think. everyone will let go for something, theres always a limit and sometimes nothing even makes sense anymore
 
the thing about relationships is sometimes even if it is the right person, it might be all about the timing. the phase in each person's life, what they still want to discover and accomplish, what they still think they need to experience...and nobody is perfect, sometimes, after all of that drama and once the time is right, you also need to accept them and even though they are imperfect, they are perfect to YOU.

To find someone that will never let you go, they also need to be in that time of their life when they are ready to settle down. There are lots of things that hinder people from feeling that way too. Life is complex, but if you find the right person at the right time, all the issues, i believe, are easier to solve than it was with other scenarios and 'settling down' appears more realistic than before. I need to reevaluate what I am doing in my life, and it is probably causing me to cut and stress doing it all by myself. I've become a bit of a doormat actually, but it's probably time to change my attitude too.
 
sounds overly complex. timing might matter a little but honestly, if you care about that person you can wait until the time is right thats why people settle down after years, not straight away. i feel like that person changed my life and in a way destroyed any possibility i have at being semi-normal again and they don't even know it.

stop being a doormat and make your own decisions, you need to be a little more confident too, it helps with the anxiety if you have a bit of self esteem right? hope you find time to get into gym or something.
 

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