Monday, January 19, 2015Palpitations at 6:17 AM
I need to sleep.
Was watching Love Child and it's really good but really sad. Made me more depressed.
I need to have healthy sleep patterns if I want to live semi decently.
I'm losing weight but not in a healthy way. I have lost my appetite and when I am alone I have no motivation to eat because it's only just me and only just my mouth to feed.
I feel like my thought patterns are swinging up and down a lot more frequently lately and I am getting worried that I might be delving deeper into mental illness. It may not even be depression or anxiety, mental illness and the condition of the mind is too unique, personal and labile. It is simply a sickness of my thoughts, a chronic disease. I believe my problems started happening when I was about 15, so that makes it 9 years going onto 10 now. I'm thankful I have never needed to be admitted to a hospital, but I feel like I really need to take care of myself at the moment to keep myself out. I feel like I could lose touch with reality any day at any moment now, and I am scared.
I feel anxiety going to sleep and wondering how I will wake up and how I will feel tomorrow. I feel anxiety whether or not I will struggle and relapse forever until the day I do actually die. Humans cannot live this way, but I am seeing a doctor on wednesday to organise some cognitive behavioural therapy because I don't think medications alone will get me back to baseline.
I'm quite scared. How will I be tomorrow, next week, next month, in 3 months time? Will I feel alive again? I am craving so hard the sensation of having drive and wanting to exist. I want to be who I vaguely remember being - silly, happy, imaginative and eager. It seems like a distant question mark, whether I was ever really that kind of person. I start to wonder whether that or this is the real me.
I'm getting more anxious as the clock ticks. I will probably need a diazepam tonight. I need to breathe. I need to stay away from the scary morphing pool of darkness that keeps pulling me. I'm mentally clinging onto rough surfaces to stay out of it and pull myself from its gravitational energy. Am I already losing my mind? I'm really scared.
Sunday, January 18, 2015Alone in a crowd at 4:58 AM
it's a terrible feeling.
Sometimes, the more you try and fix things or the more effort you put in places you at a disadvantage.
I am thinking of where else i can cut myself in places where people wont notice but i can get a decent stream from.
It's difficult how timid and trapped i feel even in a relationship. Whenever i try to speak about my feelings its in one ear and out the other. Intentional? Probably not. Still feels scared.
Friday, January 16, 2015The continuing journey (which feels like forever) at 3:43 AM
I couldn't take it anymore. One week of sertraline, one week of crying, uncontrollable depressive moods and effort to breathe and to move. I've started back on my fluoxetine and I hope I am getting a bit more settled.
Life is lonely, and it feels like I will never find my own special family and home. My depression further complicates every relationship in my life, and my wants and needs tend to wax and wane. However, ultimately, I want someone I can trust and I know who will listen to me any time and actively listen and respond, signs that he cares and he is making some kind of effort to help.
I may overthink things sometimes, but I don't like covering issues under the rug until all the mess explodes.
I couldn't help but cut myself last night, I didn't know any other release. The suffocating anxiety, depression, loss of will to thrive and the blind eye turned on myself after my cry for help. It's the easiest way out, to bleed and watch it drip down my arm, it gives me some sort of control and satisfaction. I can control this pain and I can choose how deep it hurts and when it can stop.
This is how I live, day by day. The point is, at least, one way or another, I continue to live. If I somehow try to keep on living, that must mean I have hope yet. It's not time for death yet.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015Anxiety 2.0 at 2:36 AM
It hit me again this morning. I'm not sure if it's the new medication, but it is definitely hitting me. I am trying to stay away from the calmatives as much as possible but I had to have at least half this morning. I might take half a tablet regularly until I am stable on this new drug and then quarter it and then try stop it. It's crazy, I didn't get these effects with the first type of medications years ago. My appetite is gone too, anything I put in my mouth I don't feel like eating and I have to stop. I wandered around the shops after work tonight and just picked up anything I could imagine keeping down.
I'm not sure how I became such a mess...I hate relapsing.
I hate how I need medication to function in everyday life, and I hate how medication which I NEED(?) gives me side effects and makes my life miserable in different ways. I hate underperforming, and I hate having no drive. I need the drive and I need goals, I need accomplishments and I need passion. Without those things, there is no point of life and me living.
What am I on this earth for, besides striving to find meaning to be alive or striving to ignore the urge to die?
I hate waking up anxious. Why do I need to go through with this again? This time, it is all alone because I am an independent woman who doesn't have the luxury or coddling mothers or lovers. If I can't make it alone, I do not deserve to be alive nor do I want to.
Sunday, January 11, 2015The end, but another week to go. at 2:34 AM
64 hours. I've worked 64 hours trying to please and help people this week and fixing mistakes as well as trying to stay out of trouble. I need to start taking care of myself. Yesterday I started getting overly anxious and felt like my heart was about to lunge out of my chest, and broke down into tears.So after work I drove down to my love for a touch of reality. It's amazing how instantly calm it gets and how easier things feel with him.
I don't want to become dependent though. I try to not use my calmatives as much as possible because it can cause dependency, but are humans like a drug? What kinds of love is similar to drugs? Is it unhealthy? I try to not overdo it and act in moderation, which I think I am managing well at the moment. I guess it's okay just on the odd occasion when you have a really bad day and feeling like you're on the edge of breaking down to have the dose of the calmative, whether it be love or drugs.
It hurts to think of a life without him, but then I look back on the times when I have previously been betrayed or heartbroken or things ended up in the shitter and there was nothing I could do to mend anything and how broken I was. I've made it through all those times and history is at least a bit of substantial proof that I can withstand strong tidal waves of destructive emotional forces. I'm only in my mid 20's and I believe when I am not depressed and anxious, I have the ability to be charming, likable, trustworthy and dependable so if I ever do end up heartbroken I guess I know I still have a chance of finding happiness again, even if it wouldn't ever be the same. I work hard and I make a lot of effort and I don't hold grudges or act with revenge or spite, I love to love and I love to give to the ones special and really close to my heart, so surely I will receive what I deserve.
I've submitted my letter of resignation to one of my jobs which will ease the stress and create more of a work-life balance for me. The regular savings is good, and I may as well go back to those hours again but at the moment I definitely need a break for a while. I might even have time to go to the gym again or even TAKE UP A HOBBY. I've always wanted to join a shooting club at the ranges. My love will be 4 hours away later in the year too for 10-12 weeks or so, so I want to have weekends off to visit him as well and maintain a healthy contact.
At the moment, I think I am doing all the right things that is in my power to do. Another positive thing about my love is that he doesn't smother me, but I know he is there and I wasn't sure before, but by now I realise that even though he isn't overly vocal or a typical playboy sweet talker, I do understand more the kinds of things he does to show how he feels about me, and I have started to believe it and be less anxious and unsure about it. It and he also has helped me feel loved but at the same time be able to cope as an independent person in a relationship, and taught me what it really means to choose to be with someone and depend on them when required, and not needing to be with them.
Anxiety, breakdowns and tears have become just an accepted part of my life, but I have medications and positive thinking strategies to cope and not hang myself or poison myself over. I will most likely relapse into depression again at some point of my life, but I think I will live.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015anxiety at 2:35 AM
I feel anxious half the time.
Ive joined an online lonely people community (i dont think anyone on it are any people similar to myself) but i might learn something.
My current goal: struggle through the next 3 months until i move to the greener side of the grass. I want to be closer to love and to something they call "life". I want to be able to enjoy it. I will do everything and not give up, i will not end this life before i try everything.
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