Orient Express

Monday, November 18, 2013
Life after death? at 9:38 AM

I can't sleep.

Constant struggle to not cry.

Constant buzzing thoughts.

Constant emotional turmoil, betrayal, devastation, and deep disgusting feelings in the pit of my stomach, realising that what I valued can be gone so easily and with no remorse.

I don't understand why this had to happen to me. I don't understand because wait, was I really that bad...I thought it was going to be fine. I believed. Am I am idiot to be the only one believing? Am I the idiot the fucking retard for being the only one who holds onto the future? Was I the only fucking one, happy in my world, trusting, believing, knowing that I would have the life I imagined I would have?

I feel like, I don't know...I always felt like I could manage. I don't have the best methods but with faithfulness and optimism in this shitty world, If you find something good, no matter what, you have to always think of the good and forgive the negative isn't it? why am I the idiot in this game. Why do I get leftover damage control to deal with, while he can just drop everything and move on without consideration and no sort of connection to the strong emotional bond I thought we had, I thought we proved we had time over time.

It's one thing to betray and break the trust. It's one thing to do what happened. But to turn around...I can only find one reason for this abandonment and hate and feeling like garbage thrown out.

It was never real.

I thought
there was something
once in a lifetime
yes, relationships would be fucking lame and a lie if there are no ups and downs.
but i thought
i had something real
something that
was permanent

Did I waste my heart? did I waste my hope?

How do I...how the fuck do I go on.

Bleeding both physically and emotionally.

why is it...I mean. I understand. Even the nicest sweetest guys can fuck up. And it was fucking horrible what happened. I believe that is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. Especially for us because it was so horribly unexpected. But reality beckons the truth...young confused guys make these mistakes a lot. And honestly, I think i would have to be naive to think that such a young sweet vulnerable confused guy won't make one (just one) mistake like that if we were to spend our lives together.

The worst thing? even after this, there is no fruition.

It doesnt matter what I understand, it doesnt matter i had willingness to forgive. I immediately get wiped, photos, wallpapers, even simple stupid game friends lists...sounds so fucking immature I know but...

and to deal with the fact that...he wanted to hold onto that adulterous relationship? fuck i need to settle down if i don't wanna harm myself or anyone else close very very close and attached to me.

i wonder...if all my love. it can't not be enough. it just can't. especially how much i've spent and talked about future and steps to take and my passion and willingness to end up together.

ups and downs yes, but i thought these were manageable and not too severe. manageable cuz its us two and i thought there was that commitment and time.

I thought we were the special two.

I can always be wrong.

I am powerless, heartbroken, abandoned and rejected.

I need to carry this for the rest of my life.........................................................................

without any signal or beacon of hope.

i lost everything that involved my future as I planned.

I'm an abandoned baby, who wasn't wanted like everyone else.

I hope I can believe again.

for the sake of the remaining remnants of this lost past.

if not for myself, for the sake of the remnants.

i really feel like dying....

i really feel like dying....

i really feel like dying...,,

i really want to die....

please someone just kill me...........

somebody...anybody...please save me.....................................



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