Orient Express

Tuesday, August 7, 2012
how is everything? at 8:41 PM

i don't think it is normal to spend everyday crying while trying to remember to take your pills which are supposed to help you stop crying.

i am getting sort of worried because i am starting to have new thoughts...which involve physically hurting and harming innocent people. when i drive i get the urge to hit pedestrians and i'm starting to think of ways i can kill live animals in the street. physically harming myself isn't quite doing it for me anymore.

i feel that i am trying to cope with my negative feelings and urges to harm myself by trying to vent my anger pain and all these other fucked up messy shit i am feeling towards other things...but common sense tells me it is probably better to harm myself than try and stab other people. haha.

i am currently looking up a 5 to 7 day holiday to a resort in fiji to empty my mind and hopefully get rid of these violent and criminalistic thoughts...

honestly, it is probably okay if a person doesn't integrate into society well and they decide to live and accept a life alone in the world. i don't know if i am too weak, if my personality just isn't cut out for long term social situations, or i have some genetic anomaly which prevents me from falling into a social clique, but whatever the reason, i should try think positively about a new life on my own without depending on others to bring me happiness and thus stop the risk of me breaking down mentally and emotionally.

also, i think it would be a good life if i just lived with my parents until they died and i will just donate all my belongings to charity and join a monastery and live and fade away quietly from life.

i don't think the outside world is a safe or comfortable or fitting place for me, and i think i will slowly stop trying to integrate so far into it. occasionally dipping my feet into shallow waters is probably all i need to explore, and that is all i need to live on day by day. i will let go of any selfish desires for other people and any expectations from others around me or even the world itself. i just want to be a driftwood and pass by smoothly, quietly, and effortlessly.

maybe some people might think i am finally ascending into crazytown way up in the clouds but i'm just trying to find a way to live like everyone else who has to be born into the world. so what if i am an awkward, abnormal and probably insane? i want to keep to myself from now on and that is how time will pass and everyone will move on.


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