Orient Express







Saturday, February 15, 2014
Wow at 4:30 AM

Someone asked me to say something positive about myself... I realized again the extent of my problems when I really struggled and couldn't come up with a single thing.

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Saturday, December 21, 2013
Fear at 10:11 PM

I'm scared that so much happiness and contentment depends on one person in my life.

I feel extremely fragile, vulnerable and sensitive.

I feel desperation for the future to come quickly and never in my life have I placed someone else so much before the needs of my own.

I really need that future to come and I feel frustrated that I cannot make it happen sooner.

I feel as if it is my own fault for being stuck here and not being smarter enough to make the future come faster.

Please, I want my happy ending so bad.

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Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Question at 3:17 AM

Question.
Destined to fend for myself since day 1.

To dine, laugh, enjoy the everlasting company of yourself. Possible, but one has to wonder...is a life other than your destiny even worth chasing after?

Is jumping over many hurdles and leaping through fiery hoops something that one should do just for the chase?

When do you finally find out that it was worth it in the end? Will you ever know for sure? Maybe at the end, all outcomes are the same. If so, do we simply live for the glorious moment? Is that kind of lifestyle an accomplishment?

Is it the unknown that places fear into naive hearts? If we even had a clue, would we really make the right choices? The question of right or wrong is difficult enough.

Spiralling down into a pit of depression and a loss of faith is not a good feeling...and I don't think it is a good idea to hold on desperately to any little pathetic string of light you can get your hands on either. You would be in a big fat rut, pretty much. The only ending left would be to rot and be swept away by the wind and forgotten.

Life is just one big S&M game isn't it. I swear the only ones who want to live it has a fetish. They play along with the roleplay and enjoy how fucked up it is. Some people just reach a point where the frustration just fills up the lungs and suffocates them, and they realize that no effort nor protests can fix the shit they are buried in. Literally the only fucking thing you can do in that situation is accept your fate and cry.

It's sad how people are worn down and reduced to a state where they are empty shells. To fall into that moment where nothing matters and emptiness is emphasized...as if you are locked into a pit of monsters and eternal darkness and you have the key to get out, but you don't even bother to escape.

I reach so many stages where I just don't fucking care what kind of shit may happen to me because the various kinds of other shit that might go on will definitely be way fucking better than the shit I'd be feeling already. White flag is up, do your fucking worst.


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Gray at 3:15 AM

Gray
Monotonous minutes which crawl by like a fly walking through a sea of honey
The heaviness of your eyelids that tries to conceal the urgency of the present
Complacent expressions surrounds the horizons, and you are enraptured by the simplicity of the theory, the concept, the proposal
All too quickly the trees sheds its leaves as it readies itself for chilling isolation
What seems like an eternal slumber impedes into tomorrow
It is inevitable that spring will blossom with its fruitful flowers of hope once more
But the snow is not kind to those with no shelter
Amidst the grueling battles with oneself, even tears will freeze and break away in this kind of subzero
And it will start from the fingertips, and creep to one's core. One knock or drop will send it flying to pieces
And then I will be no more.


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Painting a new scene at 3:04 AM

This is going to be my internal monologue and my progress page.

I got a new haircut and i am already getting lots of compliments. Ive never had someone call me hot before!! Maybe except from one.. It definitely makes the new life i am thrown into more symbolic.

Coincidentally too, all of the sudden everyone wants to go out! Ive got pacha on saturday and opm marquee on 28th and its gonna be a girls night celebrating us i guess. Ive lost a bit of weight because i havent eaten in days and i prpb wont eat much from now on either so i can most likely fit into my hottest dress. Its not healthy but i vomit or hold down vomit and feels like my stomach is shredding when i eat. Its too soon anywyay.

Bad news come in multiples it really does seem that way. I have nothing else to add to that, life is just shit most of the time but we werent born into this world to be happy believe it or not. There is no rule that we should live in peace and happiness, its jusy life after all. Thats why when you love someone and you get heartbroken it is the worst in the world because u thought u found something above the mundane mediocrity of life but it seems as thpugh you are cheated from that too and life is actually the same horrible thing to live through.

Yes life is horrible, but people who are alive are that way because they can cope. I personally feel i have a high threshold for coping (although my coping methods may not be smart or ideal) but i think my methods of coping hve improved too.

I appreciate the seldom little good things life can also have more so than ever. For those seldom things i know inside somewhere although i cant find it now or anytime near the future, i know its in myself somewhere the power to work and expand those nice rare things life can treat u with.

To add to my new picture on my new canvas, i finally put everything i.e phone account under my own name and i have no reliance on other names. Those unnecessary connections are gone now.

I want to be  a pretty new canvas to show the audience of my life and hold out for now.

I still feel the same inside but if i cant adapt i will die you know... My brain is under 24/7 torture that i seriously need sleeping pills to fall asleep. I constantly feel like choking. But i am powerless in this life that was given to me and i can only take it and live with it or get buggered.


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Monday, November 18, 2013
5am at 9:44 AM

i need sleeping pills.

please

be with me again.

i cant be with anyone else

u knew that.

god

please realise what is right and good and come back and wake up

wake up wake up wake up PLEASE WAKE UP

IM HERE
I ALWAYS WAS HERE
AND I WAS NEVER GONNA LEAVE
I WAS ALWAYS HERE
SO PLEASE TAKE ME AND CHERISH ME
UNLESS YOU DON'T LOVE ME...WHICH IS TRUE I GUESS..





you don't love me. you stopped. you decided to break things didn't you....but i can't be with anyone else yet. im still here waiting...forgiving..optimistic....abandoned but with no other choice...

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Life after death? at 9:38 AM

I can't sleep.

Constant struggle to not cry.

Constant buzzing thoughts.

Constant emotional turmoil, betrayal, devastation, and deep disgusting feelings in the pit of my stomach, realising that what I valued can be gone so easily and with no remorse.

I don't understand why this had to happen to me. I don't understand because wait, was I really that bad...I thought it was going to be fine. I believed. Am I am idiot to be the only one believing? Am I the idiot the fucking retard for being the only one who holds onto the future? Was I the only fucking one, happy in my world, trusting, believing, knowing that I would have the life I imagined I would have?

I feel like, I don't know...I always felt like I could manage. I don't have the best methods but with faithfulness and optimism in this shitty world, If you find something good, no matter what, you have to always think of the good and forgive the negative isn't it? why am I the idiot in this game. Why do I get leftover damage control to deal with, while he can just drop everything and move on without consideration and no sort of connection to the strong emotional bond I thought we had, I thought we proved we had time over time.

It's one thing to betray and break the trust. It's one thing to do what happened. But to turn around...I can only find one reason for this abandonment and hate and feeling like garbage thrown out.

It was never real.

I thought
there was something
special
something
once in a lifetime
something
yes, relationships would be fucking lame and a lie if there are no ups and downs.
but i thought
i had something real
something that
was permanent
unbreakable
powerful

Did I waste my heart? did I waste my hope?

How do I...how the fuck do I go on.

Bleeding both physically and emotionally.

why is it...I mean. I understand. Even the nicest sweetest guys can fuck up. And it was fucking horrible what happened. I believe that is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. Especially for us because it was so horribly unexpected. But reality beckons the truth...young confused guys make these mistakes a lot. And honestly, I think i would have to be naive to think that such a young sweet vulnerable confused guy won't make one (just one) mistake like that if we were to spend our lives together.

The worst thing? even after this, there is no fruition.

It doesnt matter what I understand, it doesnt matter i had willingness to forgive. I immediately get wiped, photos, wallpapers, even simple stupid game friends lists...sounds so fucking immature I know but...

and to deal with the fact that...he wanted to hold onto that adulterous relationship? fuck i need to settle down if i don't wanna harm myself or anyone else close very very close and attached to me.

i wonder...if all my love. it can't not be enough. it just can't. especially how much i've spent and talked about future and steps to take and my passion and willingness to end up together.

ups and downs yes, but i thought these were manageable and not too severe. manageable cuz its us two and i thought there was that commitment and time.

I thought we were the special two.

I can always be wrong.

I am powerless, heartbroken, abandoned and rejected.

I need to carry this for the rest of my life.........................................................................

without any signal or beacon of hope.

i lost everything that involved my future as I planned.

I'm an abandoned baby, who wasn't wanted like everyone else.

I hope I can believe again.

for the sake of the remaining remnants of this lost past.

if not for myself, for the sake of the remnants.

i really feel like dying....

i really feel like dying....

i really feel like dying...,,

i really want to die....

please someone just kill me...........

somebody...anybody...please save me.....................................

please
please
please
pleasse
please
please


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