Orient Express

Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Insomnia # 100000 at 7:34 AM

Dear Self,

Anxiety is so common. Yes it is common and so many people experience this wild attack so often in the world but it's so unsettling and you count one to ten ten to one in english, and various other languages but in the moment it is so consuming that you will try anything in furious attempt to dissipate the feeling.

Medication does help, thank god for pharmacology.

I have no idea why it is occurring at this moment at 2am but it just is like an insidious demon.

I know I have a strong mind and I can get through a lot of things. I am just currently trying to use various techniques I have been taught and learned about read about etc.

It is very exhausting.

Weakness, vulnerability, inability to be independent is all the worries that come across.

Pacing, shortness of breath, tachycardia...

one two three four five six seven eight nine ten
ten nine eight seven six five four three two one
ichi ni san shi go roku nana hachi kyu jyu
jyu kyu hachi nana roku go shi san ni ichi
하나 둘 셋 넷 다섯 여섯 일곱 여덜 아홉 열
I should be fine.

I have a plan in life. I am strong, self reliant, I have built a good life.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Intoxicated Ramblings at 6:14 AM

odd feelings lately. realisation of loneliness but in the setting of peace? more of an optimistic background...i am falling deep into a world where i am the only centre and it's a tight balance at the top in order to support everything under it.

immense happiness come in distanced periods, but it is like a ship making berth and it is a fantastic parade for the short and limited duration of its stay. you know things will never remain and things will always be changing. the loneliness of this realisation and embracing the truth. concurrently, becoming mesmerised by that clarity. there is a third party appreciation of life and whilst being the observer outside of the glass globe i am simply looking into the world revolving inside those glass walls.

in that respect, i am okay as long as the world that is happening is sufficient and supported. i am the mere shepherd who lives to provide humanity to others. and i am very agreeable to that notion.

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Monday, August 24, 2015
Update at 5:22 AM

Sometimes you don't feel like talking about things with anyone. 

It's weird how throughout your bipolar and confusing 20's, you realise yourself faster than ever before but at the same time you realise how real loneliness is. The thing is though, it's comparable to how much you realise that it's okay to be lonely. It's fundamentally a part of the human condition after all. 

I'm enjoying going home to my own space and having that transition between day and night, hustle and calm. It's also interesting to me how little I feel like I need to please others. I thought this was such a cliche thing to say, but I don't think I would have ever felt it until the time actually came and really understood what that is like. Ultimately, I am too solid with my persona and character to want to change for any other person or crowd. I'm so settled with myself after all that struggling and confusion, so that's that. 

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going on dates with the occasional pleasant company. However until that ever progresses beyond simply pleasant for the moment, it's just a little garnish to top off my established life. My small circle of friends who I know will always be there to chat are also a very special part of my life which I am grateful to have. Even the acquaintances and colleagues at work and make little jokes with and talk about little highlights and low lights of our lives is special too. The combination of all these interactions keeps me happy and all I can say is I am really satisfied and thankful that I can lead such a functional and normal life. I'm ready to climb the 20's ladder more than ever. 

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Friday, May 15, 2015
this is your song at 7:26 PM

Scrambling to get by, with every tear and let down
I see courage
With every rejection and heartache, when you think the world is against you
I see beauty
With every incline and then eventual decline as you relapse
I see hope
Seeing how far you have thrived all on your own
I feel awe
It is a waste to compare you to any other, as you are so unique, unlike anything ordinary. Your happiness and sadness are on a different level, and i can only observe and try to reach you so you can see yourself the way i see you

I cannot comfortably give you away to anyone, as hardly anybody would be sufficient to support and understand you. I know you try to see the good in others and forgive nearly all the time, but at what cost? You deserve better than the rest.
You are strength, courage, beauty, humour, addictive charm, intelligence and you understand delicate emotions. After all your tears, you are still not afraid of being hurt yet again.
You are a rare being and i am putting my foot down when i tell you that you will not settle for any less.

Don't disappoint me, and most importantly, don't underestimate yourself.

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Monday, April 20, 2015
Work at 5:04 AM

I can stand a heavy workload and being busy but one thing I cannot stand is people talking down on me. Especially from people who don't even deserve their position to begin with. I am worth so much more than how I am being treated and I can do a lot more than what is allowed. Cried out of frustration after I came home, but tomorrow is another day. I can make it on my fucking own and I will climb to the top on my fucking own without any motherfucker's help.

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Friday, April 10, 2015
Parents and Babies at 8:00 AM

So many people are about to have babies everywhere around me. It's really cute, all the growing bellies and also the growing excitement. I think I have a sort of envy which also manifests itself into appreciation for the people I know to have that joy in their lives. I feel, what I think, is happiness for them, when I think about how it must feel to have a part of them and another growing healthy and forming into a real human being inside them, calling them their baby and awaiting the day they finally meet face to face. It's so special it brings tears to my eyes because it is all happening so close to me.

All the pregnancy clothes, special diets, shopping for cots and cradles and strollers, and a lot of other things I have never even heard of. The gender, the names, the baby showers, fawning and fussing dads and everyone joining in on the excitement. I'm actually crying now.

I'm going to my very first baby shower tomorrow - I was browsing through the jewelry store, thinking about what to buy for the bub. A tiny gold heart shaped locket caught my eye, and in the middle was a speck of diamond and engraved around it saying "my first diamond." It was so special and cute, and a tad bit expensive for just me to buy but I just had to because it would be something so pretty that I would want as a gift for my baby if I ever had one.

I don't see myself ever sharing that kind of love with another man enough to decide to create and share another life with that person. I've really lost a lot of hope or expectation in love and relationships, which is what happens I guess when people get a certain level of experience and become that cynical. It would take something amazing and resilient for it to be proved otherwise, and I guess there is always that slightest of chance that it would be shown to me, but my heart has grown so cold and full of doubt and I really can't picture ever having a nice loving loyal family of my own. I hate all the betrayal, lies, fucking selfishness and ego that humans have inside their hearts, it is one of the most ugliest things in the world that people have to live with. I don't think I'm strong, just too fragile and was made to become this object that believes that the right thing to do is to not feel love. Somebody save me? I want that special something that lasts forever too.

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Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Many thoughts at 7:06 AM

Define myself? Forever evolving and adaptive. 

There are some people in the world though that opens your eyes to yourself and makes you feel 10 times the person you are. I believe that people are very lucky to find these kinds of souls even once in a lifetime. When one does, one should treasure it and appreciate that person who makes you feel that way..but that is just me. 

I believe in the good in people, and everyone has their stories and things that makes them walk away or pay a little more attention. Even if the action may be negative, it doesn't change the potential of that person. I love and hate people at the same time and I never lose hope in them. Great happiness can only be achieved if you give yourself fully, and that is why I am so optimistic and always a bit naive and give almost thoughtlessly. I believe there ARE people out there who won't take all of me for granted and embark on an adventure with me and see me through a lens which makes me feel incredible about life. When I do find that person, I know I have so much to give without expecting anything in return. If that isn't an amazing relationship then I still have a lot of mistakes to make and learn from. Keep them coming. 

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