Thursday, April 11, 2013home at 3:18 AM
wanna get my fucking ass back home.
a woman at work bought new dishwashing liquid for our tea room, and i say to her "oh i like the palmolive, i only used two drops and it sudded up heaps." and then she replied with "yeah you see my problem is i squirt too much. i'm a squirter."
WHY WAS I THE ONLY ONE IN THE ROOM WHO GOT THAT?!?!
Saturday, February 23, 2013My Year in the Country at 4:01 PM
It's not easy relocating 3.5 hours north of the big city to work in the countryside, I realized. Apparently, life experience tells me, being 'used to' relocating doesn't actually mean that it will be easy when I am 22 and I am leaving all my friends from adulthood behind. Just because I haven't lived in one place for my whole life doesn't mean that I will never have a hometown, does it?
However, this year is about working hard, building up my experience and studying like a mofo and making it through to the end of 2013. If no longer being a uni student should teach me anything, it should be that I should know how to prioritize my tasks and complete them. I'm pretty much glad I have a job at the moment, and even though I have a hard time coping with stressors, I have no choice but to deal with them and I have medicine, friends, counsellors and whatnot to help me too, so I'm not too worried.
I had another panic attack and it was horrible, but at least I am able to bounce back up again and move ahead with my life...I think counseling and medication has at least helped me do that.
Saturday, January 12, 2013Too Hot to Think at 6:35 AM
Sweltering heat. One fan is definitely nowhere near enough to survive this humid 38 degree nightmare.
What am I doing....
Tuesday, August 7, 2012please at 10:18 PM
how is everything? at 8:41 PM
i don't think it is normal to spend everyday crying while trying to remember to take your pills which are supposed to help you stop crying.
i am getting sort of worried because i am starting to have new thoughts...which involve physically hurting and harming innocent people. when i drive i get the urge to hit pedestrians and i'm starting to think of ways i can kill live animals in the street. physically harming myself isn't quite doing it for me anymore.
i feel that i am trying to cope with my negative feelings and urges to harm myself by trying to vent my anger pain and all these other fucked up messy shit i am feeling towards other things...but common sense tells me it is probably better to harm myself than try and stab other people. haha.
i am currently looking up a 5 to 7 day holiday to a resort in fiji to empty my mind and hopefully get rid of these violent and criminalistic thoughts...
honestly, it is probably okay if a person doesn't integrate into society well and they decide to live and accept a life alone in the world. i don't know if i am too weak, if my personality just isn't cut out for long term social situations, or i have some genetic anomaly which prevents me from falling into a social clique, but whatever the reason, i should try think positively about a new life on my own without depending on others to bring me happiness and thus stop the risk of me breaking down mentally and emotionally.
also, i think it would be a good life if i just lived with my parents until they died and i will just donate all my belongings to charity and join a monastery and live and fade away quietly from life.
i don't think the outside world is a safe or comfortable or fitting place for me, and i think i will slowly stop trying to integrate so far into it. occasionally dipping my feet into shallow waters is probably all i need to explore, and that is all i need to live on day by day. i will let go of any selfish desires for other people and any expectations from others around me or even the world itself. i just want to be a driftwood and pass by smoothly, quietly, and effortlessly.
maybe some people might think i am finally ascending into crazytown way up in the clouds but i'm just trying to find a way to live like everyone else who has to be born into the world. so what if i am an awkward, abnormal and probably insane? i want to keep to myself from now on and that is how time will pass and everyone will move on.
life isn't spent alone at 7:43 PM
loneliness will always be with me after all.
Monday, July 23, 2012Is near. at 1:00 AM
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