Monday, April 20, 2015Work at 5:04 AM
I can stand a heavy workload and being busy but one thing I cannot stand is people talking down on me. Especially from people who don't even deserve their position to begin with. I am worth so much more than how I am being treated and I can do a lot more than what is allowed. Cried out of frustration after I came home, but tomorrow is another day. I can make it on my fucking own and I will climb to the top on my fucking own without any motherfucker's help.
Friday, April 10, 2015Parents and Babies at 8:00 AM
So many people are about to have babies everywhere around me. It's really cute, all the growing bellies and also the growing excitement. I think I have a sort of envy which also manifests itself into appreciation for the people I know to have that joy in their lives. I feel, what I think, is happiness for them, when I think about how it must feel to have a part of them and another growing healthy and forming into a real human being inside them, calling them their baby and awaiting the day they finally meet face to face. It's so special it brings tears to my eyes because it is all happening so close to me.
All the pregnancy clothes, special diets, shopping for cots and cradles and strollers, and a lot of other things I have never even heard of. The gender, the names, the baby showers, fawning and fussing dads and everyone joining in on the excitement. I'm actually crying now.
I'm going to my very first baby shower tomorrow - I was browsing through the jewelry store, thinking about what to buy for the bub. A tiny gold heart shaped locket caught my eye, and in the middle was a speck of diamond and engraved around it saying "my first diamond." It was so special and cute, and a tad bit expensive for just me to buy but I just had to because it would be something so pretty that I would want as a gift for my baby if I ever had one.
I don't see myself ever sharing that kind of love with another man enough to decide to create and share another life with that person. I've really lost a lot of hope or expectation in love and relationships, which is what happens I guess when people get a certain level of experience and become that cynical. It would take something amazing and resilient for it to be proved otherwise, and I guess there is always that slightest of chance that it would be shown to me, but my heart has grown so cold and full of doubt and I really can't picture ever having a nice loving loyal family of my own. I hate all the betrayal, lies, fucking selfishness and ego that humans have inside their hearts, it is one of the most ugliest things in the world that people have to live with. I don't think I'm strong, just too fragile and was made to become this object that believes that the right thing to do is to not feel love. Somebody save me? I want that special something that lasts forever too.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015Many thoughts at 7:06 AM
Define myself? Forever evolving and adaptive.
There are some people in the world though that opens your eyes to yourself and makes you feel 10 times the person you are. I believe that people are very lucky to find these kinds of souls even once in a lifetime. When one does, one should treasure it and appreciate that person who makes you feel that way..but that is just me.
I believe in the good in people, and everyone has their stories and things that makes them walk away or pay a little more attention. Even if the action may be negative, it doesn't change the potential of that person. I love and hate people at the same time and I never lose hope in them. Great happiness can only be achieved if you give yourself fully, and that is why I am so optimistic and always a bit naive and give almost thoughtlessly. I believe there ARE people out there who won't take all of me for granted and embark on an adventure with me and see me through a lens which makes me feel incredible about life. When I do find that person, I know I have so much to give without expecting anything in return. If that isn't an amazing relationship then I still have a lot of mistakes to make and learn from. Keep them coming.
Thursday, February 5, 2015Green Day - Platypus at 5:41 AM
awesome. "dickhead, Fuckface, cock smoking, mother fucking, asshole, dirty twat, waste of semen, I hope you die"
fuck you at 5:34 AM
Monday, January 19, 2015Palpitations at 6:17 AM
I need to sleep.
Was watching Love Child and it's really good but really sad. Made me more depressed.
I need to have healthy sleep patterns if I want to live semi decently.
I'm losing weight but not in a healthy way. I have lost my appetite and when I am alone I have no motivation to eat because it's only just me and only just my mouth to feed.
I feel like my thought patterns are swinging up and down a lot more frequently lately and I am getting worried that I might be delving deeper into mental illness. It may not even be depression or anxiety, mental illness and the condition of the mind is too unique, personal and labile. It is simply a sickness of my thoughts, a chronic disease. I believe my problems started happening when I was about 15, so that makes it 9 years going onto 10 now. I'm thankful I have never needed to be admitted to a hospital, but I feel like I really need to take care of myself at the moment to keep myself out. I feel like I could lose touch with reality any day at any moment now, and I am scared.
I feel anxiety going to sleep and wondering how I will wake up and how I will feel tomorrow. I feel anxiety whether or not I will struggle and relapse forever until the day I do actually die. Humans cannot live this way, but I am seeing a doctor on wednesday to organise some cognitive behavioural therapy because I don't think medications alone will get me back to baseline.
I'm quite scared. How will I be tomorrow, next week, next month, in 3 months time? Will I feel alive again? I am craving so hard the sensation of having drive and wanting to exist. I want to be who I vaguely remember being - silly, happy, imaginative and eager. It seems like a distant question mark, whether I was ever really that kind of person. I start to wonder whether that or this is the real me.
I'm getting more anxious as the clock ticks. I will probably need a diazepam tonight. I need to breathe. I need to stay away from the scary morphing pool of darkness that keeps pulling me. I'm mentally clinging onto rough surfaces to stay out of it and pull myself from its gravitational energy. Am I already losing my mind? I'm really scared.
Sunday, January 18, 2015Alone in a crowd at 4:58 AM
it's a terrible feeling.
Sometimes, the more you try and fix things or the more effort you put in places you at a disadvantage.
I am thinking of where else i can cut myself in places where people wont notice but i can get a decent stream from.
It's difficult how timid and trapped i feel even in a relationship. Whenever i try to speak about my feelings its in one ear and out the other. Intentional? Probably not. Still feels scared.
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