Wednesday, February 25, 2015Many thoughts at 7:06 AM
Define myself? Forever evolving and adaptive.
There are some people in the world though that opens your eyes to yourself and makes you feel 10 times the person you are. I believe that people are very lucky to find these kinds of souls even once in a lifetime. When one does, one should treasure it and appreciate that person who makes you feel that way..but that is just me.
I believe in the good in people, and everyone has their stories and things that makes them walk away or pay a little more attention. Even if the action may be negative, it doesn't change the potential of that person. I love and hate people at the same time and I never lose hope in them. Great happiness can only be achieved if you give yourself fully, and that is why I am so optimistic and always a bit naive and give almost thoughtlessly. I believe there ARE people out there who won't take all of me for granted and embark on an adventure with me and see me through a lens which makes me feel incredible about life. When I do find that person, I know I have so much to give without expecting anything in return. If that isn't an amazing relationship then I still have a lot of mistakes to make and learn from. Keep them coming.
Thursday, February 5, 2015Green Day - Platypus at 5:41 AM
awesome. "dickhead, Fuckface, cock smoking, mother fucking, asshole, dirty twat, waste of semen, I hope you die"
fuck you at 5:34 AM
Monday, January 19, 2015Palpitations at 6:17 AM
I need to sleep.
Was watching Love Child and it's really good but really sad. Made me more depressed.
I need to have healthy sleep patterns if I want to live semi decently.
I'm losing weight but not in a healthy way. I have lost my appetite and when I am alone I have no motivation to eat because it's only just me and only just my mouth to feed.
I feel like my thought patterns are swinging up and down a lot more frequently lately and I am getting worried that I might be delving deeper into mental illness. It may not even be depression or anxiety, mental illness and the condition of the mind is too unique, personal and labile. It is simply a sickness of my thoughts, a chronic disease. I believe my problems started happening when I was about 15, so that makes it 9 years going onto 10 now. I'm thankful I have never needed to be admitted to a hospital, but I feel like I really need to take care of myself at the moment to keep myself out. I feel like I could lose touch with reality any day at any moment now, and I am scared.
I feel anxiety going to sleep and wondering how I will wake up and how I will feel tomorrow. I feel anxiety whether or not I will struggle and relapse forever until the day I do actually die. Humans cannot live this way, but I am seeing a doctor on wednesday to organise some cognitive behavioural therapy because I don't think medications alone will get me back to baseline.
I'm quite scared. How will I be tomorrow, next week, next month, in 3 months time? Will I feel alive again? I am craving so hard the sensation of having drive and wanting to exist. I want to be who I vaguely remember being - silly, happy, imaginative and eager. It seems like a distant question mark, whether I was ever really that kind of person. I start to wonder whether that or this is the real me.
I'm getting more anxious as the clock ticks. I will probably need a diazepam tonight. I need to breathe. I need to stay away from the scary morphing pool of darkness that keeps pulling me. I'm mentally clinging onto rough surfaces to stay out of it and pull myself from its gravitational energy. Am I already losing my mind? I'm really scared.
Sunday, January 18, 2015Alone in a crowd at 4:58 AM
it's a terrible feeling.
Sometimes, the more you try and fix things or the more effort you put in places you at a disadvantage.
I am thinking of where else i can cut myself in places where people wont notice but i can get a decent stream from.
It's difficult how timid and trapped i feel even in a relationship. Whenever i try to speak about my feelings its in one ear and out the other. Intentional? Probably not. Still feels scared.
Friday, January 16, 2015The continuing journey (which feels like forever) at 3:43 AM
I couldn't take it anymore. One week of sertraline, one week of crying, uncontrollable depressive moods and effort to breathe and to move. I've started back on my fluoxetine and I hope I am getting a bit more settled.
Life is lonely, and it feels like I will never find my own special family and home. My depression further complicates every relationship in my life, and my wants and needs tend to wax and wane. However, ultimately, I want someone I can trust and I know who will listen to me any time and actively listen and respond, signs that he cares and he is making some kind of effort to help.
I may overthink things sometimes, but I don't like covering issues under the rug until all the mess explodes.
I couldn't help but cut myself last night, I didn't know any other release. The suffocating anxiety, depression, loss of will to thrive and the blind eye turned on myself after my cry for help. It's the easiest way out, to bleed and watch it drip down my arm, it gives me some sort of control and satisfaction. I can control this pain and I can choose how deep it hurts and when it can stop.
This is how I live, day by day. The point is, at least, one way or another, I continue to live. If I somehow try to keep on living, that must mean I have hope yet. It's not time for death yet.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015Anxiety 2.0 at 2:36 AM
It hit me again this morning. I'm not sure if it's the new medication, but it is definitely hitting me. I am trying to stay away from the calmatives as much as possible but I had to have at least half this morning. I might take half a tablet regularly until I am stable on this new drug and then quarter it and then try stop it. It's crazy, I didn't get these effects with the first type of medications years ago. My appetite is gone too, anything I put in my mouth I don't feel like eating and I have to stop. I wandered around the shops after work tonight and just picked up anything I could imagine keeping down.
I'm not sure how I became such a mess...I hate relapsing.
I hate how I need medication to function in everyday life, and I hate how medication which I NEED(?) gives me side effects and makes my life miserable in different ways. I hate underperforming, and I hate having no drive. I need the drive and I need goals, I need accomplishments and I need passion. Without those things, there is no point of life and me living.
What am I on this earth for, besides striving to find meaning to be alive or striving to ignore the urge to die?
I hate waking up anxious. Why do I need to go through with this again? This time, it is all alone because I am an independent woman who doesn't have the luxury or coddling mothers or lovers. If I can't make it alone, I do not deserve to be alive nor do I want to.
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