Orient Express

Thursday, October 30, 2014
As was then, is now at 6:54 AM

i hear sounds all through the night. gentle knocks and insects chirping. i want to delve deep into it and never come out from its magic. there are secrets between the night and i that transcends any known meaning of mortal intimacy.

there is a sad, chronic decay of passion and optimism as life goes on. i think you realise it hard when you are young and only starting to see the ugliness of the world.

i will let it pass through me. one last talk, and it will be it.

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Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Spring is here at 6:49 AM

You know what's cray? exes. I don't know why they think they have the right to lecture you about life when they are not any more wiser or more experienced themselves. Does my extinguished history make them think they are entitled to pass divine judgement and condemnation?

Yes, I have bad habits. Yes, I drink and smoke (which I hardly ever used to) and yeah, I'm a little bit dumb about life and people but the last people who I want to be criticized from are my exes.

Nevertheless, everyone is entitled to a voice and an opinion but I reserve the right to tell them to shut up.

I think this is going to be my loneliest birthday yet. 24 sounds so much older than 23, it can be called bloody mid 20's. I want a life. *sigh*

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Monday, September 15, 2014
The Living at 2:02 AM

Weary-eyed and slow to rouse
She sits and thinks of nothing else
When the ship sinks and all is blue
What will be there backing you?

Primary instincts become dull and darken
That is where the fear will sharpen
And as she gasps for air and light
Other times she would wonder, is there a point in life?

Ironically, the hope is hard to extinguish
As we all want something to accomplish
Like she, and we, will forever wonder
Is there something we are meant to discover?

There is the absolute certainty of the end
And through that journey, are so many broken things to mend
After it all, most disappear as nobody
But I always hope to have been somebody.

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Saturday, February 15, 2014
Wow at 4:30 AM

Someone asked me to say something positive about myself... I realized again the extent of my problems when I really struggled and couldn't come up with a single thing.

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Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Question at 3:17 AM

Destined to fend for myself since day 1.

To dine, laugh, enjoy the everlasting company of yourself. Possible, but one has to wonder...is a life other than your destiny even worth chasing after?

Is jumping over many hurdles and leaping through fiery hoops something that one should do just for the chase?

When do you finally find out that it was worth it in the end? Will you ever know for sure? Maybe at the end, all outcomes are the same. If so, do we simply live for the glorious moment? Is that kind of lifestyle an accomplishment?

Is it the unknown that places fear into naive hearts? If we even had a clue, would we really make the right choices? The question of right or wrong is difficult enough.

Spiralling down into a pit of depression and a loss of faith is not a good feeling...and I don't think it is a good idea to hold on desperately to any little pathetic string of light you can get your hands on either. You would be in a big fat rut, pretty much. The only ending left would be to rot and be swept away by the wind and forgotten.

Life is just one big S&M game isn't it. I swear the only ones who want to live it has a fetish. They play along with the roleplay and enjoy how fucked up it is. Some people just reach a point where the frustration just fills up the lungs and suffocates them, and they realize that no effort nor protests can fix the shit they are buried in. Literally the only fucking thing you can do in that situation is accept your fate and cry.

It's sad how people are worn down and reduced to a state where they are empty shells. To fall into that moment where nothing matters and emptiness is emphasized...as if you are locked into a pit of monsters and eternal darkness and you have the key to get out, but you don't even bother to escape.

I reach so many stages where I just don't fucking care what kind of shit may happen to me because the various kinds of other shit that might go on will definitely be way fucking better than the shit I'd be feeling already. White flag is up, do your fucking worst.

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Gray at 3:15 AM

Monotonous minutes which crawl by like a fly walking through a sea of honey
The heaviness of your eyelids that tries to conceal the urgency of the present
Complacent expressions surrounds the horizons, and you are enraptured by the simplicity of the theory, the concept, the proposal
All too quickly the trees sheds its leaves as it readies itself for chilling isolation
What seems like an eternal slumber impedes into tomorrow
It is inevitable that spring will blossom with its fruitful flowers of hope once more
But the snow is not kind to those with no shelter
Amidst the grueling battles with oneself, even tears will freeze and break away in this kind of subzero
And it will start from the fingertips, and creep to one's core. One knock or drop will send it flying to pieces
And then I will be no more.

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Monday, November 18, 2013
Life after death? at 9:38 AM

I can't sleep.

Constant struggle to not cry.

Constant buzzing thoughts.

Constant emotional turmoil, betrayal, devastation, and deep disgusting feelings in the pit of my stomach, realising that what I valued can be gone so easily and with no remorse.

I don't understand why this had to happen to me. I don't understand because wait, was I really that bad...I thought it was going to be fine. I believed. Am I am idiot to be the only one believing? Am I the idiot the fucking retard for being the only one who holds onto the future? Was I the only fucking one, happy in my world, trusting, believing, knowing that I would have the life I imagined I would have?

I feel like, I don't know...I always felt like I could manage. I don't have the best methods but with faithfulness and optimism in this shitty world, If you find something good, no matter what, you have to always think of the good and forgive the negative isn't it? why am I the idiot in this game. Why do I get leftover damage control to deal with, while he can just drop everything and move on without consideration and no sort of connection to the strong emotional bond I thought we had, I thought we proved we had time over time.

It's one thing to betray and break the trust. It's one thing to do what happened. But to turn around...I can only find one reason for this abandonment and hate and feeling like garbage thrown out.

It was never real.

I thought
there was something
once in a lifetime
yes, relationships would be fucking lame and a lie if there are no ups and downs.
but i thought
i had something real
something that
was permanent

Did I waste my heart? did I waste my hope?

How do I...how the fuck do I go on.

Bleeding both physically and emotionally.

why is it...I mean. I understand. Even the nicest sweetest guys can fuck up. And it was fucking horrible what happened. I believe that is the worst thing you can do in a relationship. Especially for us because it was so horribly unexpected. But reality beckons the truth...young confused guys make these mistakes a lot. And honestly, I think i would have to be naive to think that such a young sweet vulnerable confused guy won't make one (just one) mistake like that if we were to spend our lives together.

The worst thing? even after this, there is no fruition.

It doesnt matter what I understand, it doesnt matter i had willingness to forgive. I immediately get wiped, photos, wallpapers, even simple stupid game friends lists...sounds so fucking immature I know but...

and to deal with the fact that...he wanted to hold onto that adulterous relationship? fuck i need to settle down if i don't wanna harm myself or anyone else close very very close and attached to me.

i wonder...if all my love. it can't not be enough. it just can't. especially how much i've spent and talked about future and steps to take and my passion and willingness to end up together.

ups and downs yes, but i thought these were manageable and not too severe. manageable cuz its us two and i thought there was that commitment and time.

I thought we were the special two.

I can always be wrong.

I am powerless, heartbroken, abandoned and rejected.

I need to carry this for the rest of my life.........................................................................

without any signal or beacon of hope.

i lost everything that involved my future as I planned.

I'm an abandoned baby, who wasn't wanted like everyone else.

I hope I can believe again.

for the sake of the remaining remnants of this lost past.

if not for myself, for the sake of the remnants.

i really feel like dying....

i really feel like dying....

i really feel like dying...,,

i really want to die....

please someone just kill me...........

somebody...anybody...please save me.....................................


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