Orient Express







Monday, September 12, 2016
Reflections at 5:19 AM

Haven't blogged for a while.

I think my life was too busy even with the ups and downs for me to do anything else but simply 'do.'

I thought I learnt a lot by falling out of love and being hurt so many times.
It's funny how no matter how much you get hurt over and over again essentially you don't change and you're the same emotional and 'weak' person who can't keep up with modern day cynicism and abstinence from feeling anything 'sensitive.'

I've got big shoes to fill, ones that I left for myself. I've shaped 25 years of my life to be this person I invented and im still trying to be that figment of my imagination. Maybe it took just one more mistake for me to realise I actually can't change who I am.

I'm weak, whatever. I believe in affection and love and I believe that if everyone gave it as much as they wanted to receive it (honestly) then people would not suffer as much as we all do today.

I am convinced I was born in the wrong era but perhaps this generation needs more people like myself who just can't help but feel and give into emotions.

Perhaps I'll be super unlucky and not meet people who are on the same page as me and I might suffer and be hurt forever over and over again but I've learnt that it's better than forgetting and not feeling at all.

This all makes me so human and unique and I need to remind myself that I'm not emotional and crazy, I'm who I should be. My personality can't betray the truth of the heart  in its purest and most honest form and I should really work on embracing and being comfortable having this squishy overflowing heart.

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Sunday, July 10, 2016
My only outlet at 1:46 PM

Dear diary,

I am writing to you because otherwise I will go crazy.

Some people because of certain situations circumstances people events etc. cannot see or say anything other than what they want to see or visualise as reality.

Is it humanity's flaw that one never realises exactly how dead the other person is inside and how disgusting someone that you thought was a good person can be once things aren't ideal or easy anymore.

To think that there is somewhere out there always this minor glimmering possibility that the person you meet will be able to change things for the better. I'm reminded that there will be no one out there who can make things 'better'.

I knew I am more at peace with less conflict when I am 'just me.' When it is just me, it allows myself to be selfless and pay proper attention to friends and family. Emphasising on how it allows me to in the first place, as I am vulnerable to being swallowed up by my internal demons and not giving into my self hate is a regular obstruction in my day to day life.

Add a partner into this fine tuned balance and it becomes another huge volatile variable that can push over the balance at any point.

I know I'm unique and I think differently which can be fun and entertaining. However this can be conceived as weird or troubling to live with for others and that's fine I'm all for people who just don't get along or feel comfortable with others but no one needs to get hurt too bad before this is realised and mended.



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Tuesday, December 22, 2015
Insomnia # 100000 at 7:34 AM

Dear Self,

Anxiety is so common. Yes it is common and so many people experience this wild attack so often in the world but it's so unsettling and you count one to ten ten to one in english, and various other languages but in the moment it is so consuming that you will try anything in furious attempt to dissipate the feeling.

Medication does help, thank god for pharmacology.

I have no idea why it is occurring at this moment at 2am but it just is like an insidious demon.

I know I have a strong mind and I can get through a lot of things. I am just currently trying to use various techniques I have been taught and learned about read about etc.

It is very exhausting.

Weakness, vulnerability, inability to be independent is all the worries that come across.

Pacing, shortness of breath, tachycardia...

one two three four five six seven eight nine ten
ten nine eight seven six five four three two one
ichi ni san shi go roku nana hachi kyu jyu
jyu kyu hachi nana roku go shi san ni ichi
하나 둘 셋 넷 다섯 여섯 일곱 여덜 아홉 열
I should be fine.

I have a plan in life. I am strong, self reliant, I have built a good life.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Intoxicated Ramblings at 6:14 AM

odd feelings lately. realisation of loneliness but in the setting of peace? more of an optimistic background...i am falling deep into a world where i am the only centre and it's a tight balance at the top in order to support everything under it.

immense happiness come in distanced periods, but it is like a ship making berth and it is a fantastic parade for the short and limited duration of its stay. you know things will never remain and things will always be changing. the loneliness of this realisation and embracing the truth. concurrently, becoming mesmerised by that clarity. there is a third party appreciation of life and whilst being the observer outside of the glass globe i am simply looking into the world revolving inside those glass walls.

in that respect, i am okay as long as the world that is happening is sufficient and supported. i am the mere shepherd who lives to provide humanity to others. and i am very agreeable to that notion.

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Monday, August 24, 2015
Update at 5:22 AM

Sometimes you don't feel like talking about things with anyone. 

It's weird how throughout your bipolar and confusing 20's, you realise yourself faster than ever before but at the same time you realise how real loneliness is. The thing is though, it's comparable to how much you realise that it's okay to be lonely. It's fundamentally a part of the human condition after all. 

I'm enjoying going home to my own space and having that transition between day and night, hustle and calm. It's also interesting to me how little I feel like I need to please others. I thought this was such a cliche thing to say, but I don't think I would have ever felt it until the time actually came and really understood what that is like. Ultimately, I am too solid with my persona and character to want to change for any other person or crowd. I'm so settled with myself after all that struggling and confusion, so that's that. 

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going on dates with the occasional pleasant company. However until that ever progresses beyond simply pleasant for the moment, it's just a little garnish to top off my established life. My small circle of friends who I know will always be there to chat are also a very special part of my life which I am grateful to have. Even the acquaintances and colleagues at work and make little jokes with and talk about little highlights and low lights of our lives is special too. The combination of all these interactions keeps me happy and all I can say is I am really satisfied and thankful that I can lead such a functional and normal life. I'm ready to climb the 20's ladder more than ever. 

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Friday, May 15, 2015
this is your song at 7:26 PM

Scrambling to get by, with every tear and let down
I see courage
With every rejection and heartache, when you think the world is against you
I see beauty
With every incline and then eventual decline as you relapse
I see hope
Seeing how far you have thrived all on your own
I feel awe
It is a waste to compare you to any other, as you are so unique, unlike anything ordinary. Your happiness and sadness are on a different level, and i can only observe and try to reach you so you can see yourself the way i see you

I cannot comfortably give you away to anyone, as hardly anybody would be sufficient to support and understand you. I know you try to see the good in others and forgive nearly all the time, but at what cost? You deserve better than the rest.
You are strength, courage, beauty, humour, addictive charm, intelligence and you understand delicate emotions. After all your tears, you are still not afraid of being hurt yet again.
You are a rare being and i am putting my foot down when i tell you that you will not settle for any less.

Don't disappoint me, and most importantly, don't underestimate yourself.






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Monday, April 20, 2015
Work at 5:04 AM

I can stand a heavy workload and being busy but one thing I cannot stand is people talking down on me. Especially from people who don't even deserve their position to begin with. I am worth so much more than how I am being treated and I can do a lot more than what is allowed. Cried out of frustration after I came home, but tomorrow is another day. I can make it on my fucking own and I will climb to the top on my fucking own without any motherfucker's help.

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